fake smile,fake laugh today..*sigh*

kae chan says: im speechless.. :')


i dont really have anything special to post in this entry today,but i really feel like posting something..of all day,im being emo today.. =.='''
gomenne~
*sigh*

theres nothing wrong actually,seyessharr..haha,nothing..
im just baka enough to let myself inti this stuff..whenever i was being strict with myself not to remember,not to think,not to smile for all da stupid and awkward and non-special memories,i failed..me myself wouldve give up for me..i tried..but everytime i tried,the memories keep flowing in,keep giving me the stupid blush dat i know i shouldnt have..but i did..and i felt stupid.i felt sorry for myself..im just a kid,im still 17 for god sake,not yet 18,not yet goin through campus life,not yet goin through work life,and yet, im over-thinking bout this particular stupid thing,okay maybe itsnot stupid,but for some reason,i think im being absurd..it wasnt him,it was me..i was wrong,i let myself like him,i let myself like him okay?..no,it surely wasnt okay..for all i know,if he knew bout this ludacris blog of mine,he would probably laugh out loud while shaking his head..or even worst,hed just run away..
=.=
maybe im gonna have my menstruation,maybe not,watever i dont care..but as far as i know,im ashamed of myself,for not being strong when Allah gave me the feeling of liking sumone..im ashamed cause i shouldve behave myself,not wanting him so bad,i shouldnt act so stupidly by thinking of him every darn minute of my freaking day..i am pathetic,and i know dat okay..,i tried to stop myself from remembering all dat,but i couldnt help it,i just couldnt,it just pop out and theres no way i could block the damn thing,the next thing i know i was smiling all by myself..
I AM PATHETIC..

Btw,im so sorry for doing this to you shiro,im soo soo sorry..i hope maybe one day i could do something to pay back after all ive done,i mean,i did stalk you rite,and i know,i did (well if he found this blog,'will' is da better word for it) make him feel uneasy and maybe guilty..but god,i hope i can do something without him knowing anything,atleast i would feel better instead of feeling like a jerk..

and,came to think of it,i remembered in this blog link : http://cikbalqiszakaria.blogspot.com/
sayang and suka is a different thing..sayang? suka? i dont even know if i should answer dat..scared of being ignored? scared of being bailed? sared of being rejected?
huh,only god knows..
wondering? pondering? lost in some massacre contemplation? -always..
i hate myself for dat..im still young,kae,ur still young,you should open up ur eyes!

*sigh*

im so sorry for spreading out da dark aura in this entry,its just,i really am dissapointed in myself..i should go on,even if he didnt care..maybe he care,oh watever dis just make my head spins faster..i need to get hold of myself..hey,even if nothing happens, i did find myself a loving family didnt i? in the end,i did have 2 mama,i did have papae and abah,i did have brothers and sisters..and,i did have an onii-san didnt i??? i should be smug bout that..hahaha..and now the laugh came up fake..*sigh*
 like my frens said,i should think positive..from now on,let it be..well,let him be.. if something happens then fine,but if nothing happens, i should open my eyes and just live my fuckin perfect life.. XD

this is so weird..from kawaii stuff to this emo thangs...nasebla kann..
but yeah,belle wud be furious i just know,even if she didnt say anything..i miss you belle..i know i shouldt said this,but i wondered if he missed me.....nahhhhh...

well..i must stop..yeah,stop...stop hurting for something dat is not urs.. :')
thank you Allah for giving me the chance to like him..


lets sing to this song and forget everything i said like its so simple to do shall we?? :D

~paramore-the only exception~

when i was younger i saw

my daddy cry
and curse at the wind
he broke his own heart
and I watched
as he tried to reassemble it
and my momma swore
that she would
never let herself forget
and that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
if it does not exist
CHORUS:
But Darlin...
you are the only exception
you are the only exception
you are the only exception
you are the only exception
verse 2:
maybe i know somewhere
deep in my soul
that love never lasts
and we've got to find other ways
to make it alone
keep a straight face
and i've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance
and up until now i had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness
because none of it was ever worth the risk
CHORUS:
well you are the only exception
you are the only exception
you are the only exception
you are the only exception
Bridge:
i've got a tight grip on reality
but i can't let go of what's in front of me here
i know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream
oh oh oh
CHORUS:
you are the only exception
you are the only exception
you are the only exception
you are the only exception
repeat chorus 1x
and I'm on my way to believing
oh and I'm on my way to believing

jaa nee~~~